Keeping Romance Alive All Year Long
It can be easy to slip into a routine that doesn't include much excitement, desire or sex. Over the course of years, many responsibilities and obligations, romance can take a backseat to everything else that is screaming for your energy and attention.
There’s that general entropy plus a fundamental relationship contradiction at play here. Esther Perel says it best:
“On the one hand, we have a need for security, for predictability, for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence - all these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives that we call home.
But we also have an equally strong need for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger, for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise - you get the gist - for journey, for travel.
So reconciling our need for security and our need for adventure into one relationship, or what we today like to call a passionate marriage, is e a contradiction in terms.”
If your relationship falls more into the predictability and dependability side of this, here are some ways to bring some more mystery and unexpected surprises (and romance!) into your marriage. Share this article with your man so that you can talk about it and he can take the reins to make some of these things happen, too.
Have Fun Together & Date
You used to laugh and do new things together all the time. Now it sort of feels like everything is a routine. Even date night feels stale and predictable. It’s time to break that up and schedule some adventures together.
Go to a comedy club. Try a trivia night. Play bingo at a local Legion Club. Take a class together: cooking, painting, gardening, mixology. Go to a concert. Have high tea. Try a new distillery. Go bowling. Check out an art museum.
It doesn’t matter so much what you do, but that you’re doing something new, fun and interesting together.
Surprise!
There’s nothing like an unexpected surprise to keep you both on your toes. Whether you’re delivering or receiving the surprise, it’s exciting and gets your juices flowing. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture either. Even small surprises can spice things up.
Write a love note and send it in the mail. Sext (here’s a guide to get you started). Give unexpected compliments. Bring coffee in bed. Buy flowers. Show up to dinner in slinky lingerie. Buy sexy underwear for your loved one to model. Wear a wig to bed. Passionately kiss in public. Massage your lover’s hands.
Keep Some Mystery
Real talk: seeing the bleach on your upper lip isn’t a turn-on. Neither are those saggy granny panties. And hearing you talk about the pimple on your bum is a downer for sure. There are some things that just do not need to be shared. Because when they are, it’s a sure-fire mood killer. Keep your most personal grooming to yourself. Also, don’t complain about your body—all you’re doing is pointing out this that he would have never noticed.
On the flip side, give him the space and privacy he deserves. You will be more attracted to him if you don’t have to witness the nose and ear shaving with your own two eyes. Or hear or smell what happens when he’s in the bathroom. Steer clear, sister.
Keep Separate Interests
It’s very important to have separate time to energize yourself and bring something new back to the table for the other person. It gives you something interesting to share with your partner. If you feel you’ve given up most of your individual pursuits, it’s time to figure out how to bring that back into your life. What did you love to do before getting caught up in today’s routines?
How can you bring some of that into your life again? Encourage him to do the same. You’ll be surprised at how sexy and interesting he is when talking about pursuits he cares about. Passion begets passion!
Stay Connected Intimately
Especially with the physical changes that we experience during perimenopause and menopause, sex can be a take it or leave it. Low libido with women is not uncommon. Plus men lose testosterone over time, so it’s a double whammy coming from both sides.
It’s critically important to stay connected intimately with your partner over time because physical intimacy is a big contributor to emotional intimacy. Furthermore, sex requires incredible vulnerability which, in turn, builds trust. But how?
Start talking about it and here are some simple questions to get you started:
What are some sexual activities we’ve done that you really enjoyed?
What are some things you’d like to try?
Is there anything you’d like to do more or less of?
How connected with me are you feeling lately?
Then make it a priority—even if you have to schedule it. Give it the attention and energy you would for anything that’s important to you.